A Tasty Recipe for Making False Christians

1. Start with people who have either rejected or have never heard the gospel.

2. Pour a heavy dose of ear tickling, making sure that you separate as much offensive material in the Bible as you are able, and emphasize as much of the emotionally stirring stuff in its place. (Substitute as many sentimental stories and exciting experiences from outside of the Bible as needed.)

3. Stir with to whatever music your particular people-group best respond.

4. Make sure Jesus is presented as a healthy addition to their lives, someone who is merely there to help them in whatever life they have chosen for themselves, and not someone who will demand to rule every aspect of their lives, calling them to repentance and true faith that brings about a radical change in thinking and lifestyle.

5. Boil in a dramatic altar call, while stirring with a heavy dose of sentimental music.

6. Keep in the pot until luke-warm or cool, never introducing too much heat from the whole counsel of God. (Too much exposure to the whole counsel of God can ruin the "Christianesque" presentation of the false Christian.) Keep them away, then, from wholistic Bible reading, and instead, suggest devotional books, studies, and encouraging calendars that have uplifting verses for everyone who reads them, regardless of their disposition toward Christ (i.e., verses out of context).

7. Make sure you label the dish, as the identity of the false Christian must be gained from calling it "Christian," not by faith in the truth that leads to right practice. This can be done by affirming one's identity through heavy repetition in song, "I love you Lord," sung over and over again, means that the person must be a Christian because he constantly says that he loves the Lord; "Jesus is Lord" must mean that Jesus is the Lord of the person's daily thinking and activity, since he sings that Jesus is his Lord, etc.; or it can be accomplished just in the mere labeling of anything that person believes and does as "Christian," since he is a Christian who thinks and does them. The importance here is identification through label rather than by the actual ingredients of his faith and practice.

8. Most important is to make sure they are not spoiled by others who might add salt and light. You can do this by keeping these other chefs in a bad light by saying that they are legalistic, dogmatic, know-it-alls, arrogant, etc., which the false Christian will already believe to be wrong (if he doesn't, make sure you repeat over and over again that they are). This will ensure that your false Christian stays far away from anyone who might add or take away ingredients in order to allow the Master Chef to turn him into a real Christian.

9. Your false Christians are ready to serve a dark and dying world yet another false religion that can steer them away from any nourishment of the truth, and will be sure to provide a quick sugar rush as the next big spiritual fad. If you like candy bars as a staple diet for adults and children alike, then you will love the sugar rush of a false Christian. Just like a snickers, it can make you think that you've made something nutritious for all to eat. And that makes us feel all warm and yummy inside.

You may have wanted to make a real Christian, but making false ones in absence of real ones is the next best thing. If you can't have the miracle of conversion that only the Master Chef can make, make false miracles that seem to taste just as good to us (use the Egyptian magicians as your guide). In fact, you can make a hundred false Christians in the same time it takes to make one real one (now that's something to brag about, and many do). It sure makes me feel good, and like I'm doing something for God. Who could possibly argue with that?